It's 4am and I can't sleep.

Hello livejournal. It's been one of those nights. I went to bed at 11:00. Zoey, our lab/husky mix, is having a bad night, and like kids and parents, when she has a bad night, so do I. An hour after going to sleep, she got me up to let her out. And again, twenty minutes after that. She hasn't been able to settle down, and rather than keep the husband awake, I've taken her out to the living room with me.  I think in a few hours when the rest of the world is awake with me, I'll be calling the vet and taking her in. 

I'll admit, part of the reason I can't go back to sleep has nothing to do with Zoey's restless behavior, and is much more about me worrying. Awhile back, we noticed a lump on Zoey. Concerned, we pointed it out to the vet. It didn't seem to be causing Zoey any discomfort, and the vet was pretty unconcerned. Apparently, these are often just "fatty deposits" and nothing to worry over. Well, recently that lump has suddenly doubled, if not tripled in size. Instead of a golf ball, it is the size of a baseball. And now, for the first time, it appears to be causing her pain. Mark reached out to pet her tonight when she was being restless, and she yipped like he'd hurt her. He said his hand had touched the lump. I think part of her restlessness is due to discomfort. We've also noticed lately that when Julius tries to play with her, she often gets really grumpy with him. Now, she's had some arthritis issues for a few years, and sometimes she lets him know when she hurts too much for their usual vigorous play. But I think it's become a more frequent occurrence. 

This is happening, of course, right when we can least afford it. I'm sure you all recall back in November, when our cat Julius was sick, and needed several of his teeth pulled. I knew then that Zoey's lump was probably going to need to be looked at, but one crisis at a time, right? It's funny. Things were tight in November. I was on unemployment, and we were making it, but without a cushion to absorb things like cat dental surgery. Luckily, a lot of really wonderful, generous people were kind enough to donate or buy jewelry, and that was how Julius was able to get that surgery. Now, a few short months later I still can't find a job, and my unemployment has run out. Things are even worse than they were in November. But not taking Zoey in is no longer an option. Pain means we're taking her to the vet. 

I know what this means. While I don't know how much it will cost, I'm guessing in the hundreds of dollars. They'll want to x-ray her, I'm guessing. There are now several small lumps on her stomach, and a new one we just found tonight on her side. They are all about the size of my thumb, or smaller, nothing in the neighborhood of The Big One. But there are five or six of them. I'm assuming they will want to remove the large lump, at least. Which means knocking her out and cutting it out. Then they will, I'm guessing, have it tested, biopsied or whatever. I have no idea how much all of that will cost, or how we will pay for it. These are the things I'm turning around in my head at 4:00 am. They say things come in threes. Well, we had Julius and his surgery, then Nimue needed to be fixed, and now...

But more than the money, I am really, really worried about that test. One of Mark's family dogs died of cancerous tumors when he was in college. She'd had surgery to remove them, and then the cancer just seemed to come back with a vengeance, and new tumors grew really fast. They grew into her lungs, and they had to put her down. Zoey is only eight years old, and she is definitely Mark's dog. He is her special person, and as tough as he acts, he will be devastated if he loses her like that. 

So I'm sitting here, with Zoey finally asleep beside me, praying it's not cancer, and that lump is somehow just fatty tissue that has grown overnight for no reason. And that the pain it now appears to be causing her is just because it's a big fatty lump. :( 

I'm also considering putting up another donation link. I hate the idea of asking people to donate again, when so many just helped with Julius. But I don't know what else to do. I could raffle off more pairs of earrings, I guess. Ironically, last month was the best month in jewelry sales I have ever had. But those sales still didn't come close to what I was getting on unemployment. But they did help make ends meet, and I'm hoping some of that will happen again this month. I've been working on jewelry everyday. I have a large order from some friends I've been working my way through, new things I've been making and adding to the store, and I've got my first custom wedding ring order, which is very exciting. It almost feels like a real job for the first time. Unfortunately, it's still not a real job with a regular pay check. 

I don't know. :( I thought writing all of this out might make me feel better and less anxious, but that does not seem to be the case.

What do these things have in common?

                      

Those of you who read my last post probably know most of this already. Our dog Zoey is an adorable eight-year-old husky/lab mix. (And I don't use the word adorable lightly. She really is!) Unfortunately, she also has a mysterious lump of "fatty tissue" the vet used to be very unconcerned about. A lump that has recently tripled in size, and as of last night, begun to cause her pain. Enough pain that she yips and cries when she moves, or when we touch her. :( 

Not long ago, in November, in fact, I posted asking for help for our cat Julius, who was ill and needed dental surgery to remove several infected teeth. I was reluctant to do this, but with me unemployed and unable to find a job, our financial situation is such that I didn't see many alternatives. That was a success! Julius got the surgery, and is doing great. In fact, right now, he enthusiastically chasing his own tail, even as I type. :) I should also update you all that his mouth does not seem to be getting used to the lack of upper fangs. Later this month, the vet who did the surgery wants us to bring him in so she can decide whether to file his bottom fangs down a little more, or if they can stay as they are, or if they cause him so much discomfort she has to pull them. She is doing this for free, in part because this is a follow up to the surgery, but also I think because she knows our financial situation is not the best at the moment. We are very fortunate that my husband's job is safe, and brings in enough, barely, to pay the bills and mostly buy things like food. Of course, we've only been living without unemployment coming in for me for about three weeks, so it could get worse. I hope not, though.

One of the ways it could get a lot worse, actually, is exactly like this. Unexpected vet bills that are very expensive. How expensive? I won't know for sure until I get Zoey in this afternoon and they tell me what they want to do. However, I do know what the answer will NOT be. It will NOT be: oh, she's fine, let's leave it. I strongly suspect it WILL be something along the lines of: let's take x-rays. Let's put her under and cut out that giant baseball sized lump. Let's have that lump biopsied for cancer. (Please, PLEASE let it not be cancer.) MAYBE it will even involve removing some of the much, much smaller lumps that have appeared recently. I don't know. I do know that all of that is not going to be inexpensive. It's money we don't have. 

As many of you know, I've been working hard at my jewelry business, trying to build it up and get some regular sales going. Enough regular sales to take the place of a weekly paycheck. Last month was my most successful month ever, but it's not there yet. In a month, I made a little less than what I used to bring home in a week, once expenses and the cost of materials is subtracted. It's a start.

So now comes the part where I ask for help again. I know a lot of people, like us, don't have anything extra right now. I understand this, and I'm not expecting the kind of tremendous response we had to Julius. Anything at all will help, though. Once again, I am going to raffle off jewelry to those who choose to donate. Again, there will be five prizes. This time, it will be either a pair of 5mm stud earrings, or a sweetheart pendant set with the semi-precious stone of your choice. $5 is one entry, $10 is two, and so on. Also, Valentine's Day is around the corner. Maybe you see something in my store you want, for either yourself or your sweetheart. Or maybe you just want to buy yourself something special, knowing the proceeds will go to help a lovable dog who is, at the moment, hurting. 

If you're in a position, like us, where you can't afford to buy something from my Etsy store, or donate, we can always use help boosting the signal. Thank you, everyone. We love our pets like family. They are, in a very real way, like our kids.