Query Writing

[rhienelleth]

So, I dusted off the query for Shuv'hani (working title) last night, the one someone *cough - not sure if I should name you?* brainstormed w/me and then wrote in an act of great generosity a couple of months back.  I sat down with the intent to fiddle with it, re-word here and there, etc, and ended up writing something new from scratch, because it just sort of (FINALLY) suddenly clicked and flowed for me.

Though I don't think it would have without that original query -- again, huge thanks to that person!

And then, because I want it as perfect and polished as possible before sending it out, I asked about someone giving it a read through for me at one of my fav writerly hang outs, the newsgroup of a particualr SF author, which happens to have a bunch of pro authors/editors and struggling writers like myself who hang out at it. The SF author kindly said I could post it, so anyone who wanted to offer advice could.

This resulted in some invaluable advice, which I'm going to re-post here behind several cuts for anyone who may be interested. I know there are several writers on my f-list who have, are, or will again need to be writing queries and synopsis.

(Also, it is a thrill to have someone like Elizabeth Moon commenting sympathetically that she, too, struggles with writing queries. !!)

So, without further ado

Elysia doesn’t want to be shuv’hani, her gypsy clan’s Seer, but the visions come to her anyway, no matter how hard she tries to ignore them. Fortunately, she has another, equally important job to focus on.

As her clan’s dhampir, or demon killer, it’s her responsibility to protect them from predators like the vampire strigoi. Between that, and the war the Romani clans are fighting against one another, there’s little time left to devote to training as a shuv’hani.

But Elysia soon finds that untrained visions can go horribly awry, when the Goddess Gaia sends her a vision that doesn’t just show her the future, it takes her there. Thousands of years ahead, to a dark and terrible time when strigoi and a new kind of vampire, the moroii, rule what’s left of humanity. And there are worse demons stalking the land – vile, inhuman creatures called Raither with no thought but destruction. Worse yet, the Romani are on the brink of extinction. Only a few hundred gypsies remain, survivors of a massacre at the hands of a vampire lord named Zoltan. Few shuv’hani remain, and the dhampir are gone, destroyed centuries ago. Elysia finds herself the last of her kind in this nightmare future.

To protect her people, she has no choice but to ally herself with a strigoi she knew in her own time – Demetrius, the vampire who murdered her brother. Now, he’s the last hope the Romani have, as he fights to save them from Zoltan.

Elysia is forced to question everything she believes. Especially when she meets Parr, a strigoi reviled by the Romani for murdering his entire gypsy clan decades ago. Now, hated as a traitor, but forced by circumstance to join them and fight, Parr’s fate is entwined inexorably with Elysia’s. Love, betrayal, and sacrifice must all play a part if the Romani are to survive.

Okay. And here is what editor/writer Russell Davis had to say about queries in general, and then how he broke down my query in particular:

1) QUERIES. Let's start by mentioning what a query is: a question. The question you are most likely asking is either a) Can I send you my manuscript? or b) Will you buy my manuscript? The purpose of a query letter in either case is to gain at least the beginning of an answer to one of those questions. Also, in either case, the query needs to contain some key pieces of information is a logical order. Those pieces are (from the top of the page to the bottom): The name/address/etc. of the person you are writing to; A salutation; a brief (one sentence) summary of the title, word count and genre (no specific order here) of your book. The next three, short paragraphs should describe in a clear, engaging way, the beginning, middle and end of your book. The next paragraph should contain RELEVANT biographical information (previous credits, legit awards, related job stuff), and finally any key marketing information. Last part, Sincerely, Your Name/Address/etc.

There is really no need to make a general query letter a sales pitch. Let your writing speak for itself. Keep in mind that editors read a TON of letters and so long as yours is professional and mercifully brief (1 page, single spaced), that isn't the make or break point. The make or break point is your story. If you are asking the editor if you can send your book, chances are you've included at least the first three chapters and an outline/synopsis (see below) anyway. They'll decide after reading that if they want to see the rest.

One final note here, then I'll move on. Despite what any writers org may tell you - RWA, MWA, SFWA, etc. - the vast majority of editors don't care if you were the founding member of the Paw Paw Kentucky Chapter of the We Love Romance Subchapter of RWA. We don't care about your dying grandmother, your recent diagnosis of cancer, or anything else except the core question: Can you write a compelling, marketable story? So, keep your query specific and short.

2) COVER LETTERS. A cover letter is a business letter. Chances are, you will use a cover letter when an editor responds to your query with, "Yes, send me X." So... a cover letter should have the same header as your original query, but all this one says after the salutation is, "Per your request of MM/DD/YEAR, I am enclosing my novel X for your review. I have also attached (any other material they've asked for) and a copy of my original query. I look forward to hearing from you and am available via phone at (XXX)XXX-XXXX or by email at soandso@writer.com to answer any questions you may have. Sincerely, Your Name." That's it, folks.

3) SYNOPSIS/OUTLINE. A synopsis or outline is an expanded, more detailed version of the three paragraphs included in your query. I tend to think the difference between the two is that a synopsis should be no more than two or three pages, while a detailed outline can run quite a bit longer. Some of that is going to depend on the length of your book, the plot, etc. In either case, try to remember (again) that what you need to be in this kind of document is a professional writer. This is a chance to VERY BRIEFLY show some of your abilities (by including neat character bits or dialogue) but again, don't overdo it. I made it a point not to read a synopsis or an outline until after I'd read the materials because... brace yourself... the world's best synopsis/outline writer may not be able to actually, yanno, write a book. And that's what an editor wants to know. I've bought books from terrible outline writers because even though they couldn't write a decent outline, they could write a book. The reverse is never true.

~ ~ ~ ~

This isn't too bad, actually. I've inserted some comments below, then (alas) I have to get back to work. - R.

> Elysia doesn’t want to be shuv’hani, her gypsy clan’s Seer, but
> the visions come to her anyway, no matter how hard she tries to
> ignore them. Fortunately, she has another, equally important job to
> focus on.

Egads, what's fortunate about being a demon killer?

> As her clan’s dhampir, or demon killer, it’s her responsibility
> to protect them from predators like the vampire strigoi. Between
> that, and the war the Romani clans are fighting against one
> another, there’s little time left to devote to training as a
> shuv’hani.

So... we've got a character who is a Seer, a demon (vampire) killer (hunter) and a war between the Romani clans. You're running dangerously close to several cliches here, so your writing better kick some serious editor booty. But, in other words:

Elysia doesn’t want to be shuv’hani, her gypsy clan’s Seer, but the visions from the Goddess Gaia come to her no matter how hard she tries to ignore them. Worse still, she has another, equally important job to focus on. As her clan’s dhampir, or demon killer, it’s her responsibility to protect them from predators like the vampire strigoi. Torn between these responsibilities and the war the Romani clans are fighting against one another, Elysia stuggles to find her place in the world.

> But Elysia soon finds that untrained visions can go horribly awry,
> when the Goddess Gaia sends her a vision that doesn’t just show her
> the future, it takes her there.

Time travel... sigh. Every fantasy and sf editor I know gets itchy under the skin on this subject. It is almost impossible to pull off without invoking paradox. So again, you need to make sure you haven't broken the laws of the universe you've built.

> Thousands of years ahead, to a dark
> and terrible time when strigoi and a new kind of vampire, the
> moroii, rule what’s left of humanity. And there are worse demons
> stalking the land – vile, inhuman creatures called Raither with no
> thought but destruction. Worse yet, the Romani are on the brink of
> extinction. Only a few hundred gypsies remain, survivors of a
> massacre at the hands of a vampire lord named Zoltan. Few
> shuv’hani remain, and the dhampir are gone, destroyed centuries
> ago. Elysia finds herself the last of her kind in this nightmare
> future.

In other words:

Unfortunately, Elysia finds that even visions can go horribly awry, when one comes that doesn’t just show her the future, but takes her thousands of years into the future, to a dark time when strigoi and a new kind of vampire, the moroii, rule what’s left of humanity. And there are other, even more dangerous demons stalking the land with no thought but the destruction of the last few remnants of the Romani. Only a few hundred gypsies remain, survivors of a massacre at the hands of a vampire lord named Zoltan. Few shuv’hani remain, and the dhampir are gone, destroyed centuries ago. Elysia finds herself the last of her kind in this nightmare future.

> To protect her people, she has no choice but to ally herself with a
> strigoi she knew in her own time – Demetrius, the vampire who
> murdered her brother. Now, he’s the last hope the Romani have, as
> he fights to save them from Zoltan.

Only a question here: WHY? Why must she ally herself with a being she is sworn to destroy and who killed her brother? Why is he the last hope of the Romani? I would expect that SHE is the last hope. Something about the above paragraph reads like a bad bit of cover copy.

> Elysia is forced to question everything she believes. Especially
> when she meets Parr, a strigoi reviled by the Romani for
> murdering his entire gypsy clan decades ago. Now, hated as a
> traitor, but forced by circumstance to join them and fight, Parr’s
> fate is entwined inexorably with Elysia’s. Love, betrayal, and
> sacrifice must all play a part if the Romani are to survive.

And again. The first sentence is REALLY overused, and you introduce a new character in this paragraph. Again, a query (really) should have three paragraphs. BEGINNING, MIDDLE, END. The last sentence is also overused.

Pretty informative, from the editorial side. And also makes me cringe at the idea that an agent or editor might decide my work is cliched before ever even reading it. I had to remind myself after reading this that so far, none of my betas have said "oh, sorry Rhien, but this is boring and cliched". Then i took a few deep breaths and prepared to revise. BUT before I could, another writer came forward and revised it for me, and Russell then responded to THAT by saying "John's is much better than mine", so this is what John did with my query, which pretty much blew me away:

As a very short synopsis, this actually looks really, really good.

As a query, I think it's too long and has too much plot. A possible recasting:

////

[Working title] is the story of Elysia, unwilling shuv'hani (Seer) of her gypsy clan. Already preoccupied with her role as dhampir (demon-killer), she must protect the clan from strigoi predators, and distracted by an ongoing Romani clan war, she has little time for Seer's training.

Yet ignoring that training proves disastrous when her gift unexpectedly catapults her thousands of years into the future to a time where the Romani are on the brink of extinction. The vampiric strigoi and moroii rule humanity, the mindless Raither roam the landscape, and none but a few struggling Seers -- none of whom possess Elysia's dhampir powers -- dare challenge these pervasive evils.

Only Elysia can prevent her people's annihilation. But to succeed, she must ally with two of her greatest enemies among the strigoi: the vampire who murdered her own brother, and the legendary traitor who destroyed his entire Romani clan. [One more sentence.]

////

I've omitted the last sentence because, as Russ points out, the query needs to include a clear statement about how the novel ends. The difference between query copy and back cover or jacket copy is that jacket copy is designed to sell the story; query copy is designed to sell the book -- or, more specifically, your ability to deliver a solid book. To do that, you need to prove in the query that you can deliver an ending, and to do that, you need to give an indication of what the ending is.

Except then Russell came back with a comment I'd made about Parr, and the fact that I have two POV characters.

Now, a red alert. If your book has two main POV characters and you don't show that at all really in your query - which makes it sound like it has one POV character and may well be a 1st person story... that's a problem. Not mentioning Parr until the last paragraph of your query really downplays his significance to the story, when (based on what you say) he is critical to the tale.

John has the right of it, in so much as he cuts to the bone, the essential plot information. BUT... here's another way to think of doing all this. Stories are either plot-driven or character-driven. To some degree, you may have to decide what yours is, and base your query on that. It SOUNDS character driven to me, but without reading it, I couldn't say for sure.

If it is, you might try to frame your query in terms of the characters versus situations, rather than a straight description of the characters in the plot.

Which, yikes! I have no idea how to go about that. So far, that's the extent of the conversation. As more is said/commented, I'll post. And as I refine the query, I'll post. Hope some of what these folks had to say helps someone else out there.



In large part this comes of many years' experience writing reviews; one of the necessary elements of reviewing is working with plot summary, and condensing a novel's worth of story into a couple of sentences kind of goes with the territory.

That said, there are subtle variations in what one does in a review vs. a query vs. cover copy vs. synopsis. In the case of reviews, one needs to avoid inappropriate spoilers. While reviews and cover copy both need to condense plot summaries to the bone, cover copy is specifically tuned to sell the book to the prospective reader; reviews, while they sometimes end up being used as ad copy, aren't strictly supposed to be written that way.

And while both queries and synopses need to specifically address a story's ending without being coy, a synopsis specifically describes the story, whereas a query describes the book, and that means that the latter can editorialize and discuss matters of theme and audience ("THE PHANTOM SLUGGER is a heartwarming coming-of-age story for teenage readers in which Joe Shlabotnik confronts his deep-seated fear of baseball bats") that a query ordinarily can't address.

Comments

[awritersweekend.livejournal.com]

Hey, where's the forum where you're talking to Russell? He was a speaker for us for a couple of years and I'd like to keep up with what he's doing now...

[celli]

This is just fascinating. And makes me want to read your book. :)

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

:D Then I've accomplished something, I hope! More working on the query today and perhaps the rewrite of Chapters 1 and 2.