Wrestling with words

[rhienelleth]

Hmm.

phrase: "whipcord muscles"

On the one hand, people read this and can immediately visualize what it means. On the other, overused and this is a SF setting. Is "whipcord" really appropriate? I'm struggling with my description here. Any suggestions? The sentence at present is:

Mercy was tall, but she was also lean, and lacked Atrea’s whipcord muscles.

I'm not liking how passive this is, either. This whole paragraph is giving me problems. Well, the last two sentences. I like the rest of it. le sigh



“That’s just it, Mercy. You’ve spent too much time in recent years flying a damn Titan, and not enough in a gym.”

Mercy resisted the urge to point out that yes, that was true – because she was a pilot, not a shock troop like Atrea and Radek, who stood against the wall beside the door, an intimidating mass of muscle and weaponry. One gun was holstered at his hip, another held across his chest. Various knife hilts were visible about his body, and his forearms were huge – he could no doubt bench press Mercy without breaking a sweat. Though maybe that wasn’t saying much. Mercy was tall, but she was also lean, and lacked Atrea’s whipcord muscles.

Comments

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the last two sentences are ... well, it's a style of dismissive/passive writing I see a lot in the work I edit. First, kill all your uncertainties. No 'maybe' unless there really is an uncertainty facing the narrator. It makes the reader question when there's no need. I'd just drop the last two sentences. Why make the point of the man being able to bench-press the narrator and then negate its importance?

Here's my hasty revision of the paragraph, for your amusement.

Mercy resisted the defensive urge to point out that she was a pilot, not a shock troop like Atrea and like Radek, who stood against the wall beside the door. Radek was an intimidating mass of muscle and weaponry. One gun was holstered at his hip, another held* across his chest. Mercy could see the various knife hilts bristling about his body. His arms** were so huge that there was no doubt he could bench press Mercy without breaking a sweat. Mercy was tall but there was nothing to her height; she was lean without any strength, unlike Atrea's whipcord muscles.

*is he holding it or is it also holstered or on a shoulder strap?
**singling out the forearm, then referring to the exercise that uses the whole arm, becomes jarring

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

Oh, see YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Seriously, that is fabulous! I am a little scared to see what you would do with a whole page.

I've been wrestling with this same paragraph for half an hour, and yes, the sentence about him holding the gun also bothered me, but I couldn't quite figure out why. A shoulder strap is exactly what my mental image was telling me, but that wasn't translating to the page. And "lean without any strength" - exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn't make work.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

No troubles. 'Tis my job. *grins* I think most frustration like that stems from bad habits that we haven't learned to think beyond, that's all.

For the gun, you could use "slung across" or "strapped across" to indicate how it's held.

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

LOL - I had just finished altering that sentence to: One gun was holstered at his hip, another slung across his chest.

And I forgot to add I was also struggling with the first sentence. I felt it was too long, but couldn't come up with a good way to split it up without disrupting the "flow" for me. So thanks again! Um...hmm. I don't think I knew that you edit for a living! Or maybe I did, and forgot. Some days I feel like I should do one of those "help me get to know you" posts for my f-list.

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

And the entire, reworked paragraph, which I am much, much happier with:

Mercy resisted the urge to point out that she was a pilot, not a shock troop like Atrea or Radek, who stood against the wall beside the door. He was an intimidating mass of muscle and weaponry, with one gun holstered at his hip, and another slung across his chest. Various knife hilts bristled about his body. His arms were so huge, he could undoubtedly bench press Mercy without breaking a sweat. Though she was tall, there was nothing to her height; she was lean without any strength, unlike Atrea's whipcord muscles.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

You can see how the uncertainty of the original is gone and how, instead, we just get a picture from Mercy's perspective. That's good. I hate that 'it's not right but I can't fix it!' feeling so much. Glad it's sorted.

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

I HATE that feeling, and I've been struggling with it more than usual as I'm rewriting the stuff I lost when Word crashed on me. I'll be glad when I hit my stride again.

Those uncertainty words are a bane of mine. I know I use them, and I can't seem to stop myself.

[purple-shoes.livejournal.com]

Ooo ignore what I said below, because this is MUCH better! Flows very nicely. :-)

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

You were definitely on the right track with splitting it into two sentences, though. I kept wanting to do that, but I couldn't find a way that made me happy. Now, I'm happy. :D

[frenchroast.livejournal.com]

*does not know what a whipcord is*

I know it's not something you asked, but with what little context I have, "shock troop" reads oddly to me. Maybe shock trooper?

Agreeing about dropping those last two sentences, especially since you've already given us the info the last one conveys--she's fit, but not muscular. Don't overtell/explain.

[rhienelleth.livejournal.com]

I actually know the answer to this from my sewing experience, not my writing experience, LOL! Whipcord refers to a specific weave of fabric that is a particularly strong "twist" of threads. Usually stronger fabrics like twill utilize it.

Somewhere along the way, writers starting using it to describe muscles that are both lean and strong.

[purple-shoes.livejournal.com]

machineplay's revision of the paragraph is a million times better than anything I could of thought up, so I'm glad they got to it first!

The first sentence does seem to flow a bit awkwardly, but I like the descriptions a lot. Maybe if you split it into two? "Mercy resisted the urge to point out that yes, that was true – because she was a pilot, not a shock troop like Atrea and Radek. They stood against the wall beside the door, an intimidating mass of muscle and weaponry."

Maybe not the best answer, but whenever I have a sentence I feel is too long or cumbersome I try to think of how I can make it into two.