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rhienellethOkay.
So I've finally gotten the query for Nemesis to a place where I'm pretty pleased with it. As in, pleased enough to actually click "send" on it if I so choose. As with Dark Vision, my plan here is to query a few agents at a time, allowing me to revise for the next wave if I decide some other wording is more effective.
For the moment, though, this is the query letter as it stands. It is 296 words in total, including the greeting and signature line, which falls within that 250-350 word "sweet spot" of query length agent Nathan Bransford talked about. Though honestly, I didn't think to check that until it was done and I was satisfied.
I'm posting it here because I know some writers on my f-list who have not yet reached the query stage themselves, who might find it interesting. Also, anyone who wants to suggest any changes, please feel free to do so! I know there are also writers on my f-list with more experience at this than I have. :)
Dear [Agent Name],
Mercy’s not just another combat pilot in the Commonwealth civil war. She’s a telepath - an outlawed Talent she has to keep secret, or she’ll be exiled from the very civilization she’s fighting to save. Everyone knows exile is a death sentence--or they did, until the ship Mercy's stationed on finds a derelict vessel. As it turns out, the Nemesis is crewed by pirates, descendants of the men and women exiled centuries ago for the very Talent Mercy possesses. And they've been looking for her.
Mercy’s the missing granddaughter of their dead Queen, last in a line of powerful telepathic women, wiped out by a deadly virus that only attacks the Talented. Now, she’s meeting a family she never knew she had. But half of her new ‘cousins’ want to use her, and the other half, to kill her. Worse, her own government is responsible for unleashing the virus on the pirates, in a deliberate attempt at genocide that may still succeed. Mercy has to choose a side. Either she helps the pirates take what – and who – they need to survive, or she remains loyal to the Commonwealth that wants them destroyed. Mercy doesn’t know who to trust. And on a ship full of telepaths, secrets are the most dangerous currency.
Space opera with intrigue, romance, adventure, suspense, and humor, Nemesis will appeal to the growing number of fans to popular shows like Battlestar Galactica and Firefly as well as traditional SF readers. It is complete at 96,500 words, and though it stands on its own, I see it as the potential start of a series.
I have one publication credit, a short story entitled One Last Adventure, published in Star Trek: Strange New Worlds 6.
Best wishes,
[Rhien's Name]
So I've finally gotten the query for Nemesis to a place where I'm pretty pleased with it. As in, pleased enough to actually click "send" on it if I so choose. As with Dark Vision, my plan here is to query a few agents at a time, allowing me to revise for the next wave if I decide some other wording is more effective.
For the moment, though, this is the query letter as it stands. It is 296 words in total, including the greeting and signature line, which falls within that 250-350 word "sweet spot" of query length agent Nathan Bransford talked about. Though honestly, I didn't think to check that until it was done and I was satisfied.
I'm posting it here because I know some writers on my f-list who have not yet reached the query stage themselves, who might find it interesting. Also, anyone who wants to suggest any changes, please feel free to do so! I know there are also writers on my f-list with more experience at this than I have. :)
Dear [Agent Name],
Mercy’s not just another combat pilot in the Commonwealth civil war. She’s a telepath - an outlawed Talent she has to keep secret, or she’ll be exiled from the very civilization she’s fighting to save. Everyone knows exile is a death sentence--or they did, until the ship Mercy's stationed on finds a derelict vessel. As it turns out, the Nemesis is crewed by pirates, descendants of the men and women exiled centuries ago for the very Talent Mercy possesses. And they've been looking for her.
Mercy’s the missing granddaughter of their dead Queen, last in a line of powerful telepathic women, wiped out by a deadly virus that only attacks the Talented. Now, she’s meeting a family she never knew she had. But half of her new ‘cousins’ want to use her, and the other half, to kill her. Worse, her own government is responsible for unleashing the virus on the pirates, in a deliberate attempt at genocide that may still succeed. Mercy has to choose a side. Either she helps the pirates take what – and who – they need to survive, or she remains loyal to the Commonwealth that wants them destroyed. Mercy doesn’t know who to trust. And on a ship full of telepaths, secrets are the most dangerous currency.
Space opera with intrigue, romance, adventure, suspense, and humor, Nemesis will appeal to the growing number of fans to popular shows like Battlestar Galactica and Firefly as well as traditional SF readers. It is complete at 96,500 words, and though it stands on its own, I see it as the potential start of a series.
I have one publication credit, a short story entitled One Last Adventure, published in Star Trek: Strange New Worlds 6.
Best wishes,
[Rhien's Name]
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no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 06:19 pm (UTC)Oh, I hope this one takes. *Crosses fingers*
no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 06:23 pm (UTC)I hope it takes, too. *fingers and toes crossed*
no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 06:29 pm (UTC)I like how you focus on secrets and the kind of conflict that is created with telepaths--very interesting.
I like your third paragraph where you describe the book and its place with fans. It gives me a pretty good feeling on your readers.
The only thing I would suggest is perhaps tightening up the intro. You have a lot of sentences that start with "And" "Or," some are even fragments. I understand the effect you're trying to do, but it makes me take a lot of pauses as I'm reading so it trips me up. Read it out loud and notice all the periods and stopping.
Possible revision on And everyone knows exile is a death sentence. Or they did, until the ship Mercy’s stationed on finds a derelict vessel, the Nemesis, that’s not a derelict at all. Turns out it’s crewed by pirates. Descendants of the men and women exiled centuries ago for the very Talent Mercy possesses. And they’ve been looking for her.
Everyone knows exile is a death sentence--or they did, until the ship Mercy's stationed on finds a derelict vessel. As it turns out, the Nemesis is crewed by pirates (avoids repeat of the word derelict), descendants of the men and women exiled centuries ago for the very Talent Mercy possesses. And they've been looking for her.
Having the "And" at the end is a nice cliffhanger rather then in all that text. Avoids all the pausing and makes it flow better. Hope that helps
no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 06:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 06:47 pm (UTC)Glad I could help. Now if only I could write my own query letter...
no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 06:52 pm (UTC)Things like how you removed the second "derelict" just didn't occur to me - because I thought I had to tell people the ship wasn't really derelict. Too close to the events I'm describing, I think.
no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 07:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 07:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 07:53 pm (UTC)And good! I'm interested - I totally thought Firefly when I read it, so that a great fanbase to appeal to.
Yay!
no subject
Date: 2008-09-23 08:09 pm (UTC)Btw, have you ever read Mad Kestrel? I stumbled upon it at random in the library, and part of the initial premise reminded me of Nemesis, mainly the female lead with powers she has to keep secret while sailing around with pirates (no worries, the story and plot itself are quite different from yours). If you haven't, you might enjoy it.
I like it
Date: 2008-09-24 12:35 am (UTC)My sister's book club is likely to have to read it since I will bribe then with my special raspberry martini on the book night. Now I just need to write some book club questions for them to be able to discuss the book. The plan is coming together now!
Sorry I am so selfish about this book but it needs to get published soon so I can find out what happens next. I have no patience and am a consumer in demand. Understandably people on this site know about the writing gig unlike me. I am just the reader but am having a hard time figuring out why this hasn't been picked up already and published. How can the publishing world not know that this is TOTALLY MARKETABLE NOW?? Um.....hello! If I like it as much as I do, it is extremely marketable to a wide audience.
One thing I understand well is business. Anticipate what the market wants and deliver. It isn't rocket science. This book appeals to such a wide market and has a possibility of crossover readers from other genres. Surely there is some writer lingo which better describes this but as I said earlier, writing is not my gig.
Sorry to rant on your comment page. I really must learn some manners soon.
Did I mention publishing this book is a no-brainer?
Paula